Finding new life in Baghdad by the Bay

Be Not Afraid

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

One of the first arguments my wife and I ever had revolved around the condo she (and now we) owned; I wanted her to sell it before we got married, while she felt this was simply not practical or possible at the time.  I'd concocted some logical arguments in my head as to why she should sell, but really my reasoning was based largely on fear -  I finally shared this and explained my paranoia that perhaps one day I - or we - might lose my job in a weak real estate market and be stuck in a home we could neither afford nor sell (without taking a huge financial loss).  

I'm beginning to realize just how big a role fear has played in my life since getting married, and even before then.  I think it kicked into high gear when I injured my left knee three years ago - the fear then was that maybe someday I wouldn't be able to run anymore, and perhaps hike or backpack as well.  Those fears intensified in August of 2010 when I somehow injured my right hip - the knee had never healed, and now I was having a hard time even walking.  Then, a year ago the lower back pain started.  By late spring, after numerous physical therapy appointments, chiropractic adjustments, and bucket loads of ibuprofen, the pain was slowly getting worse and a new fear crept in - what if I was unable to work?  

Could that really happen?  "Never," I thought.  I'd always bounced back in the past, gotten over aches and pains, toughed my way through the rough spots.  I was strong, healthy, active - things like this didn't happen to people like me.  I was going to get better... maybe.  In the deep recesses of my mind I was consumed with doubt, worry, and fear.

In July we discovered my wife was pregnant.  Funny - this would be the same month a labral tear was discovered in my right hip and the back pain spun wildly out of control.  Now I found myself consumed with yet another fear - how could I ever be a father in this condition?  I could barely take care of myself; how would I ever take care of my wife and kids?

August arrived with gorgeous blue skies, and a request to go on medical leave.  Normally this time of year I'd be exploring the mountains at every possible opportunity; now I was curled up in a ball on the couch, in so much pain I could barely move.  The doctor's appointments, medications, treatments,  and therapies seemed endless (as did the medical bills), but I found no relief.  In fact, things just seemed to get worse.  Yet another fear crept in - what if I lost my job?  What if I was unable to return to work?  Two weeks later my wife lost her job, and these fears really amped up.

I stand (well, sit rather uncomfortably actually) here six months later facing the following realities:  my left knee has never healed, my right hip still bothers me, my lower back hurts pretty much 24/7, I lost my job and am officially disabled, our home was on the market 90 days and didn't receive a single offer, I'm in physical therapy again but it doesn't seem to be helping, and the side effects of my medications seem to be far worse than any benefits I receive from them.  Basically every fear I had has now come to pass.

Why is this happening?  I have no idea.  When will it end?  I wish I knew!  How do I make it through the day?  Good question!  Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy; other times I wish I could just curl up in a ball and vanish.  I figure it must be the strength the Lord promises, at times provided in the form of my loving and devoted wife.  I certainly couldn't do this on my own - no way, no how!  

Last week I heard the Lord speak to me audibly; in fact twice in one day.  "Jesus is all you have."  Why that word, and why now?  In retrospect I see it as a gift of grace; if I was putting my hope in anything but Jesus, I was bound to be sorely disappointed and let down.  Sometimes I put my hope in getting better physically; I have a good day and become almost euphoric.  "Things have finally turned a corner - I'm really getting better," only to have the next day be filled with physical pain, leaving me with a crushed spirit.  Other times I lift my wife up on a pedestal and want to worship her, just to have her brought back down to earth when I observe she too is affected by the fall and subject to the consequences of sin.  She can't save me; I couldn't save myself if my life depended on it, so why would I transfer that role to her?

My mind goes funny places when it is overcome by fear, desperately looking for a means of escape.  I want my pain to go away.  I want my body back, to feel "normal" again, for life to be (in my opinion anyway) easy & predictable.  Maybe what I want more than anything is that subtle but oh so seductive illusion of control; right now life feels like a never-ending stream of chaos and pain.

Do I still fear?  YES - the Word tells me not to, tells me exactly who I can trust (Jesus) and why... and yet I still fear.  A lot.  Especially about my health - a new day brings a new ache, dysfunction, or side effect and my mind kicks into worry overdrive.  

I so wish this whole season had turned me into a spiritual superman, a model of how to suffer well as a Christian.  Instead I'm reminded of the gospel - that Jesus came as the perfect sacrifice for sin precisely because I couldn't atone for even my own this morning, let alone a lifetime.  He provides the strength I lack to do what I otherwise could not.  Right now, he gives what I need to get up in the morning, do what I can to help my wife, and continue to push on and seek for anything that might help my body heal.  My wife and I continue to marvel at how he has miraculously provided; six months into this incredibly difficult season and so far we haven't had to dig into our savings once to pay for bills.  We also continue to thank the Lord for what a relatively easy pregnancy he's given my wife, and what a blessing that has been when my own days are often filled with such suffering.  

I still want a way out; so badly at times that I want this more than I want Jesus - and yet Jesus is all I have.  

8 Year Anniversary

January marks 8 years of sobriety ; considering my current circumstances it makes for some interesting reflection. I promise to write more about this soon; in fact I need to write more period. Between pain and nausea I haven't felt like writing, or doing much of anything to be honest. Life feels a bit like Groundhog Day; the same thing over and over with no end in sight. Still, I never stop believing that things can change, that God will see me through this. I can't help but think about what my friend Kathy shared - "Ryan, this will end - it just might not end the way you think." That has already proven true - but more on that soon too.

Sick Cycle Carosel

"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." (Ps 119:50 ESV)

Up, down, up, down - that pretty much describes the past month. Lots of ups and no shortage of downs as well, with a heaping side order of pain and nausea to go with everything. I now understand why my naturopath doctor advised me to steer clear of pain management - you go in and come out a differerent person.

I wanted with all my heart to stick with naturopathic medicine, but sadly in my case it provided lots of doctor bills and absolutely zero pain relief. That isn't the case for everyone and I still feel it is the way to go if possible. The pain management clinic was an option of absolute last resort. I've been treated by some truly wonderful physicians there, and some not so great. At the end of the day I'm essentially left with pills, pills, and more pills, all of which seem to be great at relieving pain and making me very sick.

On top of this all is a real clinical diagnosis (through the excellent neurology clinic at the University of Washington) - peripheral neuropathy. In a nutshell this means small nerve damage, which causes all sorts of wacky things to happen, along with chronic pain. In my case the nerves that control heart rate and blood pressure don't always work right. Sometimes when I stand up the blood vessles in my legs don't constrict like they should; as a result my blood pressure drops, sending my heart racing and head spinning.

I also "flunked" a glucose tolerance test. Translation: I may be developing a diabetic condition (which can cause neuropathies). Yes, Mr. Baker of all things sweet may be diabetic. Figures eh?

What to do? Four months on now and there is no end in sight. At times my wonderful wife breaks down and cries for both of us. Me? I feel completely numb to everything, including God at times. People keep reminding me this will not last forever, that things WILL change, and I know they are right. But man, can God please hurry it up a bit?!?

That is my desire; yet, for reasons we don't understand it is not his will right now. One day in the doctor's office my wife met a woman who could have come right out of the gospels - sick for years with a mysterious ailment that no one could treat, with no job and every last penny spent. The world is full of people who suffer silently, invisible to society. I never thought much about it until I became one of them. Numb as I might be at least the Lord has opened my eyes and softened my heart a bit.

So where is my comfort in affliction? The Psalmist turned to God; ultimately I know my hope is in Jesus, but when I doubled over in pain I'm ashamed to confess it often becomes a narcotic pain medication. Until my functional savior leaves me paralyzed with nausea and
/or dizziness - then for a moment I occasionally fall into a pit of despair. Fortunately the Psalmists know all about that pit too.

I wish once again this whole experience were making me a spiritual superman; instead they remind me that I am saved by GRACE, and that when I am at my weakest God's strength shines through most clearly.

Foggy notions

"Hear my prayer, O LORD; let my cry come to you! Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress! Incline your ear to me; answer me speedily in the day when I call! For my days pass away like smoke, and my bones burn like a furnace. My heart is struck down like grass and has withered; I forget to eat my bread." (Ps 102:1-4)

It has been a while since I last wrote, which usually is a sign that things haven't been going so great. Well, that would in some ways be pretty accurate. My doctor put me on a new drug - Cymbalta - to deal with the lower back pain and so far it is just making me really spacey. I find it hard to think coherently or even pay attention to something for more than a few moments. I sure hope this stuff kicks in soon because I don't think I can manage much more of life like this.

I am able to read my Bible, and have continued on the one-year plan. Recently I read Psalm 102 and 103 - talk about spiritual whiplash! One moment utter despair, the next ecstatic praise and worship. God put these in the Bible for a reason - basically these two Psalms cover where my heart has been the last 3 months or so. One moment struggling to see hope in all this, afraid of pretty much everything, then the next seeing God's hand in all this and finding comfort and joy in him.

"Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." (Ps 103:2-5)

It is tempting at times to just want to check out, give up, and stop caring. I know the God in Psalm 103 is real, and have countless stories to tell about why I know this to be true - but lately that all seems so distant and remote. Our friend Tom came by to visit again today and it made me think of his initial question - if all I had was Jesus, if I never got better and had severe back pain the rest of my life, would I still have joy and contentment? At this very moment my heart recoils and says "no, I couldn't do it," to which Jesus says "Good, then let me help you. Let me carry the burdens too heavy for you."

Why do I hold on? Why will I not let them go? Jesus, please help me!

Catching Up

 The heavens proclaim his righteousness;
every nation sees his glory.  (Ps 97:6 NLT)

Every morning around 6:30am I try to go for about a 10 minute walk, regardless of how I happen to be feeling.  Today I was blessed with one of the most gorgeous sunrises I've ever seen in Seattle, with Mt. Rainier in the distance, bathed in array of gentle pink, orange, and purple light.  It was great to start the day by dwelling on something lovely, instead of obsessing over pain.  I smiled and spoke outloud the beginning of Psalm 19 - "The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of his hands!"

I got back to the house and pondered for a moment the events of the recent past.  Two weeks ago at this very time I was laying on a cot in the ER of Swedish Hospital, pumped full of pain meds, eating some biscuits and gravy (the anti-nausea medication gave me back my appetite for the first time in weeks and I was ravenous), waiting to be formally admitted.  The week leading up to my second ER visit was something of a nightmare, my back and "sit bone" pain steadily increasing each and every day, and the amount of sleep I was getting decreasing at the same time.  By Tuesday night I couldn't sleep at all, pacing back and forth like a caged animal until finally around 5am I cracked.

When the attending physician in the ER said she wanted me to be admitted to the hospital, my wife and I were hopeful - perhaps the doctors would finally take the time to dig a bit beneath the surface to find out what was wrong.  Unfortunately this didn't happen; I pretty much spent 3 days in bed being pumped full of more medications than I can easily recall.  Upon discharge that Saturday morning I felt completely dazed, and later that afternoon my wife and sat in bed and wept uncontrollably.  Where was God?  Why was this happening?  What were we going to do?  So many questions and no answers, at least not yet.

Spending three days in bed definitely stiffened things up, especially my hamstrings.  The hardest part emotionally was accepting the fact I now needed narcotic medication to control the pain.  After being sober for almost 8 years I was terrified of somehow become addicted to prescription drugs.  Fortunately I was blessed with both my wife and some good friends in the medical profession who reminded me such medicine is a legitimate tool to use for times like these, and that my openness in sharing my fears was a good sign of using them for the right reasons.

Yesterday I saw a neurologist at the University of Washington, basically to rule out any problems with my nerves that might be contributing to chronic pain.  I figured he would do some tests and then say, "Well, everything looks normal!" but that didn't happen.  My feet, lower legs, and abdomen all showed signs of decreased sensitivity to pain and temperature.  The doctor gave me a preliminary diagnosis - peripheral neuropathy.  Basically, damage to secondary nerves is causing decreased sensation in parts of my body, and in order to compensate my brain has decided to turn up the sensitivity of other nerves - or something like that.  The condition itself can't be fixed, but the symptoms can be treated successfully, and in general peripheral neuropathy isn't degenerative.

However, it can be very, very painful, which I have definitely experienced.  The thought of living with a chronic pain condition for the rest of my life...  well, it sends me back to Paul in II Corinthians, where he proclaims the sufficiency of God's strength to help us in our weakness.  Somehow in that process God is glorified, which is good because to be honest right now I don't much care for being weak and I'm really tired of pain - figuratively and literally. 

In an hour I start yet another new therapy to help cope with chronic pain.  I just want to lay down and sleep.  Jesus - thank you for being my strength!

Two Years

Two years ago today I called the most beautiful woman in the whole world and asked her out to ice cream at Molly Moon's. After what was apparently the most akward walk ever through Cal Anderson Park, I sat next to Erin in the old Sloshbucket (aka 97 Chrysler Sebring convertible) and asked her if she liked me. The rest is history.

Tonight I was feeling good enough to slip out of the house for a few moments to grab some Molly Moon's with my wife and as-of-yet unborn baby. Being the renegades we are these days we both had a scoop of salted caramel on a waffle cone. We then went for a mini walk to Cal Anderson and watched people playing dodgeball as we chatted.

"What's your favorite memory of the last year?" My wife asked this question and I said I honestly didn't know. Not that I thought the past year had been bad! We both confessed the events of the past 3 months had been so completely overwhelming and all-encompasing that it was hard to remember anything else.

Thinking a bit more as we made the trip home, my wife mentioned our climb to Camp Muir at Mt. Rainier. That was the last Saturday in June - the very day our child was conceived. I have a hard time believing just 4 months ago I hiked for 10 miles and climbed nearly 5,000 feet in one day. This afternoon my wife and I walked 3 blocks and it felt like a major accomplishment.

Three blocks, hand in hand. It was wonderful, as was the ice cream. Circumstances may have changed but so far every day the Lord keeps blessing me with the one thing that made every day of the last year special - her.

The Longing of my Heart

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.  (Jer 31:25)

I wish pain made me a super-spiritual person; instead it just reminds me of how frail and weak I truly am!  Life sometimes feels like a giant black pit that I can't crawl out of, especially at night when I can't sleep.  Jeremiah recalled a pleasant dream, one that concluded with the verse above.  Jesus - I long for this! 

In All Circumstances

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (I Thes 5:16-18)

Well, I run across these verses a lot these days and every time I do I have to stop and ponder what the Lord is telling me.  Give thanks in ALL circumstances; not just the ones we like, or desire, or the times when things go the way we want, but always.  It will come as no surprise that I don't always feel like being thankful; ironically though I look at my life and realize I get most apathetic about being thankful when things are going really well.  Same with rejoicing and praying without ceasing. 

I see my wife and parents sitting here next to me; they could be out having fun today - after all my parents flew out all the way from Iowa - but instead they are simply being present with me.  That is something for which I can rejoice and give thanks!  I've had a constant stream of friends come and visit, offer words of love and support, pray over me - rejoice!  The pain and suffering broke down the walls of isolation I had built in my  life - what a blessing!

So much to learn, but I can be thankful for that too.

A Fire Burns Inside

But if I say, "I will not mention his word
or speak anymore in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot. (Jer 20:9 NIV)

The last several months have taught me many things.  One - pain can be a tool used by the enemy to isolate and silence believers.  This definitely happened to me; when I started to really struggle with my back pain, I was scared to tell anyone.  Keeping silent did me absolutely no good, but for some reason I thought I had to be "strong" and get through it on my own.

However, I've found that when I trust God he can use that same pain for good.  This last week I've had several opportunities to talk about Jesus and share the gospel with friends.  I wish I weren't doing it in a hospital bed (yes, I got admitted to the hospital on Wednesday because my pain had gotten so severe - thankfully I seem to be improving but more on that later) but if that's God's plan then so be it. 

The word of the Lord cannot be hidden in my heart; it must be heard.

My Verse for the Day

I just read this and thought it was very fitting:

Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise. (Jer 17:14 NIV)