All the (so-called) news that's fit to print

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”  (Philippians 4:13)

OK folks – it’s time for one of those posts that will probably generate volumes of hate mail.  Fasten those seat belts!

News is so much more interesting when you know the people involved.  Such was the case recently when the San Francisco Chronicle and Bay Area Reporter did a story on protests by gay theology students at a Desert Stream conference, held at my old church, Promised Land Fellowship.

With the Chronicle story in particular, it seems clear the “objective” reporter gathered as few facts as possible, then filled in the blanks with stories they’d heard about evil Christians wanting to “turn gay people straight.”  Sometimes those rose-colored glasses just don’t want to come off.

Probably the biggest “laugh-out-loud” moment was the statement that Michael and Diane Brodeur did weekly outreach in the Castro to “encourage gay people to re-evaluate their sexuality.”  Having been part of this very outreach on several occasions, I know this isn’t true.  First – a young man in the church who left homosexuality and another man who has an openly gay family member started the ministry.  To my knowledge Michael and Diane have never been directly involved, although I do think they’ve joined the group on occasion (never during the four times I’ve participated).  More importantly, the focus has always been the gospel, which has nothing to do with gay or straight!  Of course people ask, “So do you think being gay is a sin?”  This is usually a diversion in an attempt to start a fight, one I personally try to avoid.  The gospel is about the Kingdom, righteousness, and Jesus’ gift of forgiveness to sinners – a title as humans we all can claim.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.”  I’ve talked to a lot of men in the Castro who are hungry for righteousness, who even after sometimes decades have never been able to get past the sense that something inside wasn’t quite right.

The other point that struck a chord was the assertation that reparative therapy is always harmful to the participant, and therefore any attempts to change one’s sexuality via therapy should be banned.  I fully acknowledge that in the imprecise world of psychotherapy, some treatment might very well be harmful.  However, from my own life and that of many friends, I know reparative therapy can often be extremely beneficial and helpful.  The APA does in fact state that “Altering sexual orientation is not an appropriate goal of psychiatric treatment,” but the article fails to follow up with the history of how that decision was made – politics, not science.  (Gay activists must have known that in getting the APA to make that statement, it would brand any therapist carrying out such treatment “unethical,” and thus make any valid scientific research on reparative therapy nearly impossible).  Besides, in America, shouldn’t I have the right to chose what I believe is best for me?  (At least that’s what the pro-choice and libertarian crowd says!)  Why do I have no choices? Why does the gay community have the power to tell me who or what I have to be?

Now, I have to confess, at times I feel like a man stuck between two worlds.  On the one hand, I have a group saying my feelings must determine who I am (and therefore must be) – a belief I think is wrong.  On the other hand, there exists a politically active slice of the American church that has chosen to ally itself with the “ex-gay” movement.  Never mind that the party they’ve chosen to support has proven to be morally bankrupt, or that their only recent action on gay issues was a meaningless vote in an attempt to rally conservative support before a losing election.  To make matters worse, leaders of the “ex-gay” movement have taken to advocating politics.  I’ll stop short of naming names, but one has to wonder – when “ex-gay” leaders proudly display photographs taken with prominent politicians, is it fair to ask how that equates to ministry?  (Perhaps the money that comes pouring in from taking up the banner of politics, to fight against “those people,” counts.)  It makes me sad, because I know the “ex-gay” movement has a lot of great people doing wonderful ministry that unfortunately gets lost in the haze of the culture wars.

All that aside, a simple truth seems to be ignored – therapy (just like life) is a two way street.  My point being that if I walked into an office of a psychiatrist, and expected his or her techniques to somehow “change” me with no effort on my part, I’d be a fool!  In my case, reparative therapy was extremely useful in getting to the roots of much relational brokenness in my own life that went beyond same-sex attraction.  Getting to that point took a lot of hard work, and willingness to take risks, venture outside of my “safe” bubble, and accept the possibility that I might get hurt now and then in the process.

In some cases it meant in love directly confronting people who were the source of deep wounding.  Not accusing, not blaming, but simply explaining their actions, how they affected me, and how I had forgiven them through the blood of Jesus.  This was a hard thing to do, especially because some of those people were at one time my role models as well as close friends.  In other cases, it meant tracking down people I had wronged, asking for forgiveness, and making things right.  In one case this involved massively swallowing my pride with a big piece of humble pie – going back to a church from which I had stolen money, apologizing, and paying it back.

Then there was the risk part – in my heart, I knew I was terrified of “straight” men.  I wasn’t like them, I didn’t fit in, we didn’t have anything in common, they wouldn’t like me – my irrational fears and excuses could have filled the San Francisco Bay.  When I became a Christian a little over three years ago, I probably hadn’t had a healthy relationship with another man since…  I’m not sure actually.  Maybe ever!  Instinctively I knew the answer for me was to just “dive in,” so that’s what I did, actively seeking out male friends within my fellowship circle in San Francisco.  Those who have read my testimony will know what a terrifying experience this was at first, but one the Lord richly rewarded.

I won’t rehash anymore – most of the above can be found in previous posts about my testimony and first trip wilderness camping.  Over the past three years I’ve received numerous e-mails from men “amazed” at the changes in my life, but despondent with the futility of their own attempts.  When I dig deeper to find out what they’re doing, the answer is usually – nothing.  At most, maybe sneaking off every so often to a counselor or support group, but failing to apply anything they’ve learned there out of fear, complacency, or self-pity.  They play the old “secrets” game, hoping they can have their cake and eat it too by hiding their struggles from their friends, family, and fellowship, while at the same time magically hoping it will go away.

As for the article, I’ll make one very general observation as well, which isn’t meant in any way to detract from the very real and painful struggles of people with psychological disorders.  In talking to many people over the years, it seems clear that when someone suffers from depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and suicidal thoughts, the origins of those problems usually stem at least partially from traumatic events during a person’s childhood, long before any therapy began. 

After coming out of the closet, I used to tell everyone about my suicidal period during the fall of 1994, and how it was directly tied to the reparative therapy I was undergoing at Bible school.  What I failed to mention was that the therapy started after the suicidal period (most during second semester), and that I truly liked my counselor.  He was especially good at helping me identify issues with my father, but I made the choice not to do anything with that information.  It was so much easier to use it as a reason to hate my dad and place the blame for all my problems on his shoulders!  On top of that, I failed to note the activities leading up to my suicidal thoughts – drinking heavily during the previous summer, having sex with my girlfriend, experimenting sexually with one of my friends, willfully violating school policies, lying my family, and stealing money from my employer are some examples.  Therapy made a convenient scapegoat, one that everyone in San Francisco readily believed.  One of my couple’s therapists even called it “religious abuse.”  It should be crystal-clear who actually caused the most “abuse.”

That doesn’t dismiss the many real pains I did suffer while at Bible school.  Three come to mind immediately:
∑ When confessing the sexual relationship with my girlfriend in the summer of ’94 to the dean of students (who knew of my struggles with homosexuality), he replied, “Well that’s a relief.  I was afraid you were going to tell me you had sex with a man, because to be honest, the whole thing disgusts me.”  In other words, sin might all be the same in the eyes of God, but it isn’t in mine (or the school’s for that matter).
∑ One of the brothers on my floor was a gifted and passionate evangelist, who truly had a love for reaching the lost.  However, when the topic of homosexuality came up, all that love and compassion went up in smoke.  Thankfully, one of the other guys on the floor called him on it and asked why we would have any less love for someone based on their sin.
∑ During a prayer meeting with the guys on my floor, I requested prayer for the ubiquitous “unspoken request.”  During the request I broke down in tears, and after the meeting several guys came up to me, reassured me I was their brother, and said I could talk to them about anything.  A few days later, two of those guys were in the lounge, talking about an article in the newspaper about gay rights.  The words coming out of their mouth were shameful for anyone bearing the name of Christ – and they thought I would trust them with my life?

In the last two cases, I don’t even remember the names of the people, just the event, so actively seeking resolution involved forgiveness in my heart.  For the dean of students, I simply wrote a letter – explaining what had happened in my life, how his actions had deeply hurt me, and how I was offering unconditional forgiveness.

During the years when I made Bible school the evil ogre, I also conveniently forgot to mention all the people there who had treated me with such love, understanding, and compassion.  The English professor who recognized and nurtured my talent for writing; the summer ministry team leader who listened and prayed with me about my dad; the R.A. who always had an ear to listen and gave me rivers of undeserved grace; the brother on my floor whose door was always open to listen with love; the brother next door who sometimes just held me when I cried; the young woman with beautiful blonde hair who just made me feel safe and understood; the roommate who upon learning my struggles gave me a hug and told me he loved me and didn’t care what I was dealing with.  I find myself close to tears as I remember these and many others who opened their hearts to me during those turbulent years.  I can’t help but remember my best friend off campus as well, who while openly gay never once took advantage of me, tried as much as he could to steer me in the right direction, and protected me from making a lot of really stupid decisions.  (He’s still a great friend today!)

So many gifts given to me during those years, but me, the stubborn, rebellious boy who instead chose to be jealous of the “easy” life all the straight people had, and angry at how “difficult” his appeared to be, chose to throw them away.  In the end, the gay life seemed so simple – just do what you feel, love whom you choose, and happiness with follow. 

When its all said and done, I can look at my life: the decisions I’ve made, the person I am – and smile.  I know that even if “reparative therapy” were banned, stories like mine would still be possible.  Why?  Because in Christ I have the freedom to overcome any obstacle.  Maybe I have same-sex feelings, but so what?  Why does that mean I have to be gay?  I still have the ability to choose how I live my life, and I, and many others like me, have made the choice to be the men we know God created, not the boys chained down by our feelings.  We’ve put aside blame, stopped being angry, and moved on. 

I think that’s why those who have left homosexuality tend to be so invisible – they simply don’t identify with the “old man” anymore, nor do they wish to.  We don’t have ex-gay pride parades, ex-gay bars, ex-gay community centers, or ex-gay neighborhoods – we’ve gone on to just be… ourselves. 

Comments

[Dad]

Great post son! Very proud of you and your willingness to write so poignantly!

Love ya

Dad

[Mike Turner]

BRA-VO!!!
WOOO HOOOOOO!!!

I'm standing on the top bleacher clapping and yelling "GO RYAN" on that one. Well said! That was awesome, and once again, I'm proud to have you on my blog read list. ALL of that was right on target.

Oh, how I wish blogs like these could get the same exposure that the liberal media gets. THIS is truth, not corrupt, political 'journalism'.

[Christie Winkler :)]

Hi, Ryan! This is Christie, Chris's wife (uh... nice to meet you?!). I hope you don't mind, but he passed this on to me to read, and I just wanted to tell you that your writing was really good and insightful. Thanks for posting that and sharing some of your journey.

[Doug]

Ryan,

Great insights in this area of homosexuality. I too have been to numerous Exodus conferences, seen several counselors, read many books on the subject, and prayed until I couldn't pray any more to be healed of this attraction.

I have danced around the lifestyle in my 43 years without every having a boyfriend, coming out, or living in that world. I too have thought that there was no hope and that I will be a slave to my homosexual desires until the day I die.

The crazy thing for me is that I "want" a str8 man but a str8 man will not "want" me in that way. Just as you've experience negative reactions from str8 men, so have I but not directly. I have selectively told my str8 male friends about my struggle and thankfully none of them have pushed me away. I'm really no different from them. There has been this misconception running through my mind that I'm not one of them.

I guess what I've found is that I do have a choice on whether or not to follow the homosexual desires. God wants to set prisoners free and how many times I thought I wanted to be free but I really didn't. I have lived these 43 years with nothing but heartache by dabbling in homosexualty so why should I continue to pursue it? My answer is that I shouldn't.

Thanks for your words and encouragement.

Doug

[Ray Sullivan]

Hi Ryan,

I could not have said it any better than that! Your message is your life lived in front of others and it speaks volumnes. I am blessed by your journey! Bless you friend!